And so, eager pilgrims, here as promised are some responses to "The Bells" question. To protect the identities of the innocent (and not-so-innocent), they will be featured with only minor editing. I am leaving all spelling exactly as it was written, however. So start using those spell-checkers! All proper names have been deleted though, and respondents' names have been changed to initials.

First up, from Cleveland...

Ok, simple enough (at least for me) I really don't have a creative answer just a sensible one. Give all my bells to my enemies (I really don't have but a few that I know of). Why? "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer". Gotta keep an eye on them. Here are two other conditions that would be great: the Bells, since they are magic would automatically cling to thy enemies or thy friends and ring with the names of thy enemies or thy friends. They could be a mile away or more. How about this? The Bells would also ring if those enemies are doing something malevolent against the "Bell Giver" and also ring if those friends are doing something benevolent for the "Bell Giver". <== that would work even better for me, since many times my friends turn out to be my enemies. Kool, uh? Anyway, tell me what you think.

R.N.

And that's 1 for the bad guys...! Geez, can you imagine hearing bells ringing everytime someone was doing something to conspire against you? No wonder there're no bells at the City County Building. (But there IS one on the glue table at Kinko's. Hmmmmm.)


Next.

my 10 enemies. more specifically the 10 people out there who are actually
fans of sela ward, whom i have an irrational hatred of. that self-serious
wench just grates on me like a root canal. i remember watching,
ACCIDENTALLY, about 10 minutes of sisters once. terrible chick show. worse
than thirty-something. they go through the opening credits and finally
say..."and sela ward as teddy." how did she deserve to be an "and/as"?
like she is gracing us with her extra special presence? like hell. the
"and/as" should be reserved for a guest actor, like macaulay culkin as
bonbo the circus boy, or the grizzled veteran cast members, like the
parents on "Raymond" sela was just another one of the self-serious,
contemplative sisters, and the drunk one at that. but i digress. i want
them to be within 100 yards of my apartment, so i'd have time to put in my
stooges video. as my second choice, i would want anyone who is still a fan
of helen hunt - for her turning paul reiser'c great character into a
whining, simpering dud.

J.B.

Sela Ward played the wife who got killed in THE FUGITIVE (the movie with Harrison Ford). She got whacked right at the beginning. Granted, it is an irrational hatred, but hopefully that'll ease his pain.


I'd never received email back from this person before. Until--!

Marcel,

Nice way to get me to answer your e-mail.... the bell question...
it's an interesting idea, but for me, an easy answer. Since I can pick the
people, I would give them to people I dislike, and also, people who I would
never have a chance to meet, because those damn bells would be driving me
crazy...

-C.S.

Have a nice day. ;)

Since this person's wife is also a good friend (and I assume shares this email address), I'm curious what HER response would be. Hey J.S., write in!


Now, I don't wanna sound biased or anything, but I absolutely LOVED this response. And not just because of the way I was included, but because it's poetic. Read on.

I want the most sonorous bells in the world--like the
church bells that ring from the Pittsburgh Theological
Seminary every Sunday morning which make me happy and
thankful to be not just alive but living!

So, with that thought in mind (and I know you didn't
necessarily want to know what kind of magic bells and
I read the rules, I figured I could make my own) I
would give the bells to friends. For when the
following ten people came near, I would hear these
gorgeous bells and be filled with even more joy (than
they already fill me with).

My Mom (duh!)
My three nephews and one niece
NAME DELETED CAUSE I'M POWER TRIPPIN'! (some say he already has this effect on me)
My oldest sister N.D.C.I.P.T. (because she is so far away)
N.D.C.I.P.T. (if you post this, I will probably die--the reason
is the same as N.D.C.I.P.T.'s)
N.D.C.I.P.T. (because he has a bell personality)
N.D.C.I.P.T. (we don't spend enough time together and the
bells would remind me to cherish what we do)

Why not my Enemies? Well, the few that I have I no
longer see and, frankly, why waste time on enemies?

As for you, you have a joyous bell that everyone
hears, you don't need one that only I can. (You, the
disciple of love!)

Good luck with your other responses!

J.M.

Wasn't that cool? I like the idea of church bells, although that could be a bit disconcerting if you were taking a nap. Regardless, score anudder one fer the good guys! And I think "Disciple of Love" is going to be my official title now...


You always have to have at least one smart-ass. But this person redeemed themself with a second response.

Hey, Marcel,

I'd give you all of the bells.

Why? You ask. : )

They would be set off any time you came close to asking another bizarre hypothetical question. They would ring based on a scale of 1-10. One being the most inane, bizarre question...such as this one (which I will rate as a 3 because I am sure you have other questions in there somewhere that will be more bizarre than this) and ten being fairly good (more reasonable?) : ) inane question...like your monkey-man question.

That way I could prepare for the question...or better yet screen them. ~smile~

take care,

D.A.P.

P.s Why do I encourage you by responding? : )

Following my Democratic Response(!), came this follow-up.

Yes, you should consider that friends. : )

I'm glad you are getting responses. I will assume that I am one of the people "who've NEVER responded to any of my stuff before". I bet you were surprised. : )

Take care,

D.A.P.


And this sweet person included me too. I feel so priviliged...!

1. My mom
2. My dad
3. My sister
4. My brother
5. N.D.C.I.P.T.
6. N.D.C.I.P.T.
7. N.D.C.I.P.T.
8. N.D.C.I.P.T.
9. My nana
10. N.D.C.I.P.T.
11. YOU

These people are very important to me and I hold very dear to my heart

K.M.

Technically, I still wouldn't have a bell (because you only are allotted ten, after all), but I appreciate the honorary designation of the Eleventh Bell.


And from down in Florida, comes this one.

Marcel,

Thats alot of bells to give out. Since I have only a few "enemys", (2 that I can think of as "enemys"), I would give them to family and friends. My enemys are long in the past and pose no real threat to me anymore- (so I think, I havent seen them since about 1990 and who knows just how I would react if I saw them). Family and friends are always welcome, and to have a warning if they are coming is good. Then I would be able to prepare for their arrival, say with gifts or what have you. I can use them to my advantage so that I always look my best when they come. For me to be able to prepapre for their arrival, I would need these bells to ring when they are a good distance away- say approx. a half and hour away. And I would like to customize each bell for each person, so I know who I am preparing for.

This is a strange question, and this is my best answer. Hope it helps!

S.S.

The funny thing is, until I read several of these responses, it'd never occurred to me to "customize" the ring of each bell. Makes perfect sense, of course, regardless of who you give them to, friends or enemies. 'Cause I'd be preparing a lot differently for the arrival of SOME of you out there than I would for others.

Believe that.


This person rings my bell whenever she's around.

Back to the bell thing. I believe I would allow my enemies to have it. The
reasoning...So I can better prepare myself with their bullshit. Preventing
my enemies to change my mood, cause I know that they're coming and I it will
help me not to allow them to control my happiness or sadness.

X.R.R.

I hear ya'. I ain't no ding-a-ling. Though I've been told I have a big clapper...



This particular response was given in person, rather than online, but it was delivered so directly, and so immediately, I just HAVE to include it. I walked in to this person's place of business, and while he was standing in front of customers, he looked up at me and simply said...

"...My enemies. Without a doubt."

...and I could've fallen on the floor laughing.

"I know where my friends are. We stay in touch; I can reach them anytime I want. But my enemies, I need a warning for them. And there aren't enough bells in the world!"

And if you knew where this person worked, trust me, you'd understand how he came to his conclusion so quickly.


Now in case any of you were wondering who I'd give the bells to...

...I must confess, even though I thought this question up, I was all kinds of undecided as to who I'd give them to. Maybe it's because I came up with the question in the first place, but I had reasons for choosing both. And my decision making was only made that much harder after reading your (mostly) thought out answers, on both sides. As those of you who've chosen "enemies" have gathered, it'd SURE be nice to have a warning when one of them is on the prowl. I can definitely see myself sprinting the other way upon hearing the telltale ringing of one of those magic bells. Off the top of my head, there are at least ten people I'd slap those things around the necks of, without hesitation.

Oh yeah. 'Cause they suck. And the worst part is, a lot of them don't realize just how badly they suck. But I sure do. And I'll bet you can empathize.

The problem with giving my enemies the bells though, as I see it, is that there really aren't but so many situations where having advance warning would do me that much good. Think about it; if I put an enemy bell around my mother's neck (and I'm only using her hypothetically! Although, when you think about it, sometimes your friends can be the most annoying people around. Yet another reason to give them the bells. You could kill two birds with one stone!) what difference is it going to make if I hear it ringing or not? I've still got to see her EVENTUALLY. And I guarantee you, no matter how far in advance that bell rings, there will come a time when I simply CAN'T ESCAPE HER.

Similarly, if I gave one to an especially annoying customer -- same end result. In time, I'll still have to wait on them. Give one to a coworker I'm having problems with? In the end, I'll still be dealing with them, and on top of it I'll have the added frustration of listening to a GODDAMN BELL everytime I see them! I know it's an old cliche', but it's true...you can't run away from your problems.

Which ain't a dig at those of you who've chosen "enemies." Trust me. I salute your unease at certain factions of humanity. As stated before, some people SUCK!

But that said, yeah, I'd have to choose "friends", if only because I'd never want to miss them. Think about all of the times you've almost come into contact with that certain person and didn't because YOU DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE AROUND! Chances are there are more instances than you'd consider, if only because, hey, you didn't know they were around. On at least one occassion I was walking home, when I got a ride from a couple friends whom I've come to refer to as my "karmic chauffeurs". Well, that was a fortunate coincidence but maybe just maybe --

-- there were a bunch of times I missed out on getting rides to places because I didn't have a handy dandy patent-pending Magic BellTM (It slices, it dices...) to alert me to the fact that such a person was nearby.

Yes, I can be just as opportunistic as the next person. Hey, what else are friends for?

Of course this wouldn't necessarily be foolproof: who's to say that my friend hasn't slapped an enemy bell on ME? And you know that's how it works. What did I just say above? Usually people who suck DON'T KNOW THEY SUCK. Furthermore, if I had a mob-contract on my head, I'd put out enemy bells so fast it'd make your eyes water. Regardless...let me relate this to you. It involves my mother again. No, I don't have any issues, so shut up.

We've had caller id on our phone for years now, and there have been periods where I've completely avoided answering the phone in my room, and raced upstairs to check the box to see who it was trying to bother me. And you know, it's an annoying thing to go to that trouble only to have the caller be someone you don't want to talk to, but hey that's what caller id is for, right?

Try telling that to my Mom.

She RARELY if ever looks at that thing, and always just blindly picks up the phone, bestowing a pleasant "Hello!" on whoever has dared to disturb the serenity of our household. Mind you, she was the one who wanted that thing in the first place...but as strange as it seems, maybe she's latched onto something. Because her mindset allows her to hope for the best, no matter what fate may throw her way. Bill collectors, salespeople, pesky relatives...me on a bad day!

I actually have a friend who has said she and her husband NEVER answer the phone. For anyone. It's true; I've called, and always gotten the machine, as have others. On occassion they'll call back. And though I love her dearly and regard her highly, the inevitability of this practice is simple -- I don't call her anymore. (I can post that because they don't have a computer either.) Ultimately that may be what she wants, but that's sort of sad, don't you think?

When I hear ringing, I want it to make me happy. Hey, if I could attach a magic bell to this page right now, I would!

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